A friend of mine recently encouraged me to write down what you are about to read. There are a lot of helpful things online written by people with depression and those who support them that give a glimpse into what daily life is like, to aid understanding and generate helpful ways of loving and caring for those who do have depression. I find these helpful to read too! However, this is not what this post is about. As Paul writes to the Romans, “…we rejoice in hope of the glory of God…we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” I have never felt the weight and truth of these words more than I have since my journeying through life with depression. The problem with a lot of the world’s help with depression and other mental health issues today is that they are focused on the self. I’m not saying they are unhelpful, but they draw their thinking on the premise that understanding ourselves and dealing with our negative thinking is at the crux of dealing with depression. However, I have come to see that, at the end of the day, God allows us to experience what we experience not so that we get past struggle, but that in our struggle He is magnified and glorified, that is, we see Him more clearly for who He is, regard ourselves more humbly, love Him more deeply, hope in Him more desperately, love others more genuinely…so that we might rejoice in our sufferings that ultimately our joy may be found in hope of God’s glory being revealed. What follows, then, are some reflections on how God has taught me to rejoice in my sufferings.
1. Depression forces me to see my ugliness as a sinful creature, and this magnifies the grace of God more than it ever did.
This is where all that PC crap is so unhelpful. People will say that how you see yourself when you are depressed is distorted, that one mustn’t think so harshly, that it’s just your mind messing with you, you really are not a bad person. Well, guess what. I feel disgusting, pathetic, weak, useless and worst of all, absolutely powerless and helpless to change. Cognitive-behavioural therapy tells me that I am the sum of my thoughts and I cannot allow them to overcome me because I am not these things. However, my Creator God doesn’t see it that way. He knows absolutely and uncompromisingly how rotten I am. “None is righteous, no, not even one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless, no one does good, not even one. Their throat is an open grace; they use their tongues to deceive. The venom of asps is under their lips. Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known. There is no fear of God before their eyes.” (Romans 3:10b-18) Does that blow your politically-correct ego hat off? Well, good. Christians who ought to know how sinful they are before their Creator and Judge often forget they are sinful. They judge others harshly, justify their attitudes and actions quickly, and worse, with the thought that they are somehow biblical or honouring to God, and prioritise their lives under the banner of ‘wise stewardship’. I think I am this Christian. “We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.” (Isaiah 64:6) Journeying through depression has made me see my sinfulness before God more clearly and humbly than I ever have. Even then, have you ever considered that of 1000 different things that we do that offend God (or don’t do that offend Him), we only see maybe 10 of those? When you read the prayers of the Puritans, they always spent so much of their words acknowledging (very descriptively!) their ugliness before God. How often do we pray for God to help us see ourselves as He sees us more clearly? But what is so wonderful about our God is that He is not powerless or helpless, but more so, He is good. He is so good because He is a prodigal God, lavishing His kindness, oh so undeserved, on us. “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly…God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us…while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.” (Romans 5:6, 8, 10) While we were weak, while we were sinners, while we were enemies. God secures our reconciliation now and salvation in the time to come when He will return to judge the world.
Though hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory. Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victors soul, that to have nothing is to possess al, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision.
It is when we are in the valley that we see the glory of God in His grace and rejoice. I have never known the kind of joy I have that echoes this paradox.
2. Depression, in a paradoxical way, makes me judge others more, as I perhaps see my own failings in others, but this forces me to love more genuinely.
Depression makes you very cynical. Things I had never given much thought to before concerning others now bug me more than ever. It might be the way someone selfishly avoids doing something, or maybe someone fixating on something to the detriment of other things…anyway, I needn’t be too specific or I might start ruminating! The point is, depression makes you an angry person. In turn, avoidance of people takes over, and with that, guilt. However, the supernatural Spirit of God also does. Guilt has its place in the Christian life. It humbles and helps us face the reality of our nature. Seeing how awfully judgmental and petty I am has humbled my opinion of my ability to love others. It has also helped me to discern when my seeking to love another is genuine, pursuing with candour and consistency, the good of another, or purely just niceness. Yes, I might now judge people when they are just being nice rather than loving toward me, but the constant reminder of my sinfulness judges me in turn. This journey so far has revealed what real friendship looks like. “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). I have realised how difficult it is for those who call themselves my friends. I might be down and boring, or angry and extremely negative, but they keep persevering with earnestness in messaging and asking how I’m feeling, in sharing words that comfort and challenge, in making time to spend with me, but also always sharing what’s going on in their lives without reservation, not treating me as though I’m a patient; there is always candour and consistency. These people are tangible reminders of God’s grace and love, but also examples for me in loving others well. If not for my first hand experience being a recipient of such love, I would not know how to judge the genuineness of my love to others. There have been so many times when I’ve just wanted to throw a tantrum at someone but instead God has reminded me of the grace given me in light of my sin, and that grace has controlled and compelled me to offer it to the very person I just want to scream at. Depression has taught me to thank God for my good friends but also humbled me and inspired me to offer the example of love they offer me freely and generously.
And here, dear reader, I shall end Part 1. Please note that none of what I say above is representative of the experience of those with depression. It is my personal reflection and I hope and pray it brings you some encouragement that it’s not all bad. It’s hard, but it’s not bad. “…we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose…to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.” (Romans 8:28, 29)
life matters 