A lot of things recently have made me think more about this age old proverb that has been battered around over time. I confess that at times I have used it to justify my lack of speech out of cowardice and at other times I have dismissed it vehemently in anger towards someone and biting my tongue would be the last thing on my mind. Nevertheless, I think it generally nods to God’s wisdom for our lives. Here I endeavour to share some thoughts from God’s word, what others are said, and my reflections on them. I hope you find it helpful as you think about whether you ought to make silence a rule of thumb rather than sharing your every thought. (Mind you, my tendency is to share my every thought! In fact, I think out loud! Being convicted of silence being golden has been hard for me, as you can probably imagine. It probably is harder for me than others, so by no means am I implying by what is below that I have perfected this part of wisdom!)
Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. Proverbs 25:20 NIV
What fool dares take away my garment on a cold day? The same fool who tries to sing songs to me when I’m depressed! Only recently have I learnt that I am more upset after people try to cheer me up when I’m truly heavy hearted. It might sound strange, but I think this proverb is very profoundly accurate concerning our human experience. People might have good intentions, true, but we are creatures that crave congruency. “Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15) Paul reminds us of this and instructs us to do well in response. If I just lost my job, don’t tell me I will find one soon because I’m perfectly capable, and anyone would be mad not to hire me, and don’t worry, your family have always looked after you so well, and you have good friends who will always be here for you, and…do you feel your heartbeat increasing with each ‘and’? In moments of opportunity for comfort, don’t fill them with cheerful words. Fill them with the same sense of loss and silent grieving as your friend’s. And whatever you do, don’t sing Bill Wither’s “Lean On Me”.
Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes. Proverbs 26:4-5 NIV
Of late there has been some really heated discussions on social media and in media at large concerning the whole school screening of the pro-gay-parenting film Gayby Baby. Whatever view you take on this, what has been evident is the truth of this couplet of a proverb (concerning both those who support Mark Powell’s point of view and those who oppose it). The first urges a holding back, a biting of the tongue (or fingers, if you are responding to someone or something on the internet) in that moment of passion, for what drives the fool to folly speech is passion. A wise man speaks dispassionately with carefully balanced/measured words and words that are full of grace yet truth. The second paradoxically instructs us to respond to the fool who speaks in a moment of passion, or otherwise he might think himself wise. It’s interesting that it doesn’t say “so the fool will see that you are wise”. I think it urges us to speak only if we can honestly say that our motive is to help the other person in some way. If we were motivated by a desire to force the other to see our wisdom, then it would only be our ego on the line. There is indeed a fine line between maintaining our ego and helping another see their folly. Often I think we mistake the former to be the latter. One needs to do verse 4 before they consider doing verse 5. And if they feel they ought to do verse 5, they had better ask God to assess whether a personal bruised ego is at stake.
THINK before you speak: only speak what is True, what is Helpful, what is Important, what is Necessary, what is Kind.
I have only recently heard of this, in a similar form, in a sermon at my church on James 3, where it speaks about the power of the tongue. I think this a wonderful tool to always keep at the forefront of the going ons of our frontal lobe. So often we are so hasty to utter our opinion that we don’t consider how we phrase it. I think truthfulness should always be first because God hates liars and a lie is a lie. To not speak truthful words is to be a deceiver, and a deceiver is indeed often self-deceived also. But after we have worked this out, we ought to consider how we say it, for “gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” (Proverbs 16:24 NIV) Of course angry and hasty words will always seem justified in the moment of utterance because they have not been measured by grace. Truth and these other four conditions need to be held in balance.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. James 1:19-22 NIV
James wrote his letter to Christians who started to become pedantic about keeping to rules and religious codes of behaviour rather than exhibit integrity in every area of their lives as a reflection of God’s transforming work. Here, in this section, he is talking about their attitude to listening to God’s word. They were deceiving themselves because they were merely listening. In fact, verse 19 implies that they were perhaps even measuring what they heard against their own moral judgments or perhaps reacting against God’s word with “anger”. Rather they should be quick (or eager/humble) to listen, slow to speak (or make judgments on God’s word) and slow to become angry (if God’s word should convict them of some “moral filth and evil” in their hearts and lives). An attitude of humility should always precede listening to God speak (verse 21). So often people apply verse 19 directly to their character. As above, I think in context it is about our attitude to God’s word, but it can also be applied to our character and how it affects our conduct in our relationships. In the same way we ought to be humble in every encounter – quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. I know for myself that I need to constantly work on this, especially with the people I am closest to, because it is often in those relationships that I more boldly justify my actions because I know I might be more easily forgiven. How sin so easily corrupts and takes advantage of good things!
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:15-17 NIV
At the end of the day, these verses are in some ways the biggest supporters of the “silence is golden” rule. If Christ’s peace rules my heart, must I have need of knowing I have won an argument? If Christ’s peace rules my heart, must I have need of having the last word? If Christ’s peace rules my heart, then reconciliation should always be the outflow of my gratitude to what He has done for me to others in all situations. Moreover, Paul specifically uses this truth to emphasize the priority we should give to keeping peace with those in the body. That should always be our number one motivator in speech and in silence. And as discussed above, it simply is easier to do it with silence. Prevention is always better than intervention! The words we ought to speak should come from a place of thanksgiving it seems (“And be thankful…with gratitude in your hearts”). In fact, all these psalms, hymns, songs from the Spirit are ‘sandwiched’ between these two expressions of thanks. What we do speak ought to be words of God wrapped with thankfulness. So really, unless I have something thankful to God to say to another, modelling after the truths of His word, in the form of songs, I should keep my mouth shut as much as possible! Ha! Okay, that’s a little hyperbolic, but at the end of the day, my words ought to be out of giving thanks to God…can I really utter them with a clear conscience that they are being uttered in Jesus’ name? If not, well, I’d better keep it shut. That would be golden.
life matters 